Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
