i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
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apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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