I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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