her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
