I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
