So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
