I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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