i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
