how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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