I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
