i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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