On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
