I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
