She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
