You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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