this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
