yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
