Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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