I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This is my gift to your gina
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
