Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
