I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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