I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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