chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
