I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize