She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
