so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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