I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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