We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
