??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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