My hand turned me down
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
