a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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