I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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