see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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