drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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