I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
