Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
