Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I want a musical about memes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
