i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I've blown a few things in my day
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
