wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
