an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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