You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
