I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
