I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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