Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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