i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
