K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
