I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
