do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
