Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
