i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
not ubering you a puppy
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
