hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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