Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize