yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
